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ttrocksO
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Name: t
Country: United States
State: Texas
Birthday: 6/19/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: poetry, pain, philosophy, personality tests/studies, gemini duality, music, mysticism, sunsets & sunrises (all aspects of sky) people, soul, guitar, exploring the realms of the mind and the brink of insanity, gaining wisdom thru trying times
Expertise: workin on it
Occupation: Student, PhD
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  ttrocksO
Member Since:
1/10/2004
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| "I am"--the cause of my mental distress. "I am"--my worst enemy, my undoing.
"I," or self/ego, is the source of my suffering, and I must be overcome! I cannot blame others; I alone am responsible for bearing the pain of my self, caused by myself--overcome when there is no more self, when simply there is, Is. | | |
| - Religion is a specific set of beliefs
- These beliefs are made into an ethical system for governing human relations and behaviors
- Religion and social standards are inextricably linked; verging on synonymous.
- Even Gods take on human characteristics
- I think God is a mechanism man uses to express beliefs about life and death
- However, religion is used as a method of social control, so what religion is cannot be taken out of its human context
- Man first began to interpret events and objects as having powerful magical properties (mythology) because his thinking and sensing appartus were ill developed. The sun became a God; beauty glorified into Venus; war glorified into Ares, etc.
- When a belief is believed to be true, even if it is not, the power of belief soon makes it a reality unto itself. And one bases all future actions/thoughts on error.
- I think religion is a series of misattributions/misinterpretations about meaning, cause and effect.
- I do not believe in an afterlife
- I do not believe that homosexuals are sinful.
- I do not believe any group of people are more right or wrong than others.
- Religion promotes intolerance of differences
- Even if today specific religions are more egalitarian and humanitarian, this is not a consequence of God changing his mind but of humans maturing and societal standards evolving. Individuals in any society which grants its citizens greater rights than religions will begin to perceive religion contemptuously and with disbelief. In order to prevent mass defection, religions must alter their explanatory systems to retain and appease its populace/congregation. When religion lags too far behind societal standards, there is unrest.
- At some point, society was equivalent to religion, but several movements (e.g., Rennaissance, democracy) separated Church and State and brought forth objective, scientific endeavors. Science, too, is a systematic way of seeking knowledge, but it makes serious attempts to distance the examiner from his or her biases and perceptive errors (errors of interpretation).
- The main contention I have regarding religion is its moral imperative--the unyielding belief religious people have that their way is the right way, the ONLY way. This, in essence, attempts to make absolutes when nothing can be confidently said to be absolute, unless one takes a leap of faith that absolutes exist, must exist. What is truly dangerous about religion is that people will try to force others to adhere to their system of beliefs. Conformity is necessary to religion, but conformity is antithetical to the individual, to humannature of differentiation and growth, dynamism. Religion subjugates man to be self-sacrifical and to persecute nonbelievers in de facto and de jure ways.
- Why do religious people insist on converting nonbelievers? How can people impose their beliefs on you? How can they say what is right for YOU?
- I refuse to be controlled and limited by a set of beliefs that go against my reason. There are certain fundamental beliefs in Christianity and other religions that have social value (e.g., don't kill, steal) but some rules are ludicrous. These types of rules seem relevant to their historical framework, but they become vestigial as times change.
- Another observation I have is how closely Gods resemble their followers, resemble humans in general. The Christian God is vengeful, loving, prideful. Human qualities are evident in gods. What Siddartha attempted to do (and self-proclaimed to have succeeded) was to abandon materials and attachments to life. Now Buddhism rests upon this and other premises.
- I think Gods are projections of man's most revered and feared attributes. What is ideal and perceived as invaluable to a social group will become translated into religion. The god and devil figures are symbolic representations of man's dual drives.
- I do not believe in God, but I will not impose my disbelief on others. I will not say that nonbelief is essential to existence or a happy life. Disbelief can benefit some and not others, just as religious belief helps others organize and make meaning of life, their life, NOT mine.
- One must evaluate for himself which standards are useful, needful, relevant, socially appropriate.
- But I will always approach anything that regards itself as universally right and needful with suspicion and disbelief. If it goes against my reason, it goes against my reality. I am protective and selective of my reality. I will take responsibility for my actions and inactions. I cannot rely on a powerful, unconditional being to absolve me of my mortal sins. Life is not unconditional. Nothing is certain. We may live in a tangible world, but religion exists in the sphere of intangibles. There, anything goes, and often the worst and best of man can be translated into abstract, far removed notions.
- We must reclaim the powers of creation we have misattributed to our gods. We must realize our influence, our own goodness and badness which has been disassociated and projected, and affirm them. We are walking, breaking, dying Gods. Self-determing, self-destructing, self-creating, self-saving.
- Religion is man, but man is more than religion.
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| I was cleaning my journal (tearing out used pages to throw away), and I came across this entry. I didn't want to lose it because it seemed important in my development. My views today are somewhat different, but here's glimpse into a former self:
Existential angst. The terror of death. Thoughts of mortality and finitude have recently begun to occupy my thinking space. The death of a friend was the catalyst for my "awakening," my realization that all life is not as predictable, as safe, as comprehensible as it used to be. Irvin Yalom calls such a life chaning experience a "boundary experience" or "awakening experience." Indeed, it was an earth shattering thing to have orderliness and predictability pulled from under me. And the resulting feeling of groundlessness, of confused wandering. Where can I settle down or plant my roots if everything is destined to change, to fade? But I am getting ahead of myself. In reality, the death of my friend was the most valuable lesson I've learned in my 24 years: the precious, fleetingness of life. The importance of living least regretfully, of moving away from "I, me, my" to self-less, to other-than. I've realized that the meaning of life is in fact people. I am nothing and without purpose if I exist alone. But people add meaning to my being. As I move farther and farther from my center--seeing myself less as the center of the universe--I better understand my location in life. I am humbled by my insignificance. And yet, though I am nothing to myself, I am the world to others. And others are nothing to themselves, but everything to me. This is my philosophy, my thoughts on the meaning of life. People. The farther we get from ourselves, the more we become alive.
The Death of Hamid.
Hamid was a high school friend. I befriended him in the cafeteria. He was eating alone, and always having a heart for the underdog, I made myself his friend. Yet, we were not close. I eventually became better friends with his brother, Ali. Hamid was an unusual guy. Shy. Quite. Something very frail about him even then. He had a raspy voice and his features were odd.. But he was a proud, highly intelligent invididual. I got a taste for his personality during some heated arguments about money and business. I think I saw him less than 10 times. He wasn't important in my life. But then Ali told me he was in a coma. Then he became real to me. By this time, I was primed for existential pain. I was thinking vaguely about aging and fearing the inherent changes of becoming older--physical unattractiveness, loss of freedom, mediall illness, decreased independence, a culture obssessed with youth and beauty. I was not looking forward to my inevitable journey. I would see the elderly with their wrinkles and age spots, long ears and hairy noses, chins. Additionally, I've always had a weakness for being compassionate and feeling pain, or empathy. I frequently fretted over the state of the world--death, violence, deprivation, disaster--on the news and evident in history. Small events made me realize, briefly and vaguely, that life was frail. My brother was robbed at gun point...the death of celebrities. When Hamid died after a 3week coma, I became more fully aware.
Here's a chronology of death experiences that have left a mark:
- death of a distant relative, <9yrs old
- death of my father at 9 years
- 9/11
- tsunami
- death of distant relative when i was 23 yrs old
- sickness of Dr. C, my group therapist with a resistant tumor
- death of Hamid
- death of celebrities--Bernie Mac, Jeong da Bin
- death of Michaels's aunt in car crash
- murder of homeless person on campus, at the very bus stop I use
- death of a beloved dog, hit by car
What really bothers me is the fear of non-existence. I want to continue to persist, as Spinoza said, "everything in so far as it is in itself endeavors to persist in its own being." I try to combat the fear of death by enmeshing myself with others--my husband, friends. At times I feel like a child or like a parent. I want to express love and be so vulnerable. At times I don't know how to enjoy life as it is because it seems futile to keep up the "charade." To continue pursuing goals and living as if there was all the time in the world. But there is NOT. All good things come to an end. I come to an end. Is there such a thing as wasting my time? On a career, pursuing a PhD. And what for? 5 years of my life spent on grasping for the wind, it seems. Of trying to bottle the air, to capture something only for it to slip though my fingers.
(End entry).
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| Sitting by a window in a building is a much different experience than sitting surrounded by walls. This is one difference between my old creature self and the new one--I no longer wish to be closed off, although I still sit by myself.
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| When I am lonely, I still have my thoughts.
I noticed that I have three tiny, perfectly positioned moles under my bottom lip that form a triangle. For some reason, I always thought this was attractive and special about me, but nobody has ever pointed it out. So I will continue to compliment myself and smile a secret, knowing smile.
I found a note I wrote to myself:
I have decided to carry this letter in my pocket at all times because death can befall us before we're even halfway prepared. It gives me comfort to have control over this much: that I can tell my family and friends I care deeply. Do not weep for yourselves anymore. My death cannot take that away, though it seems to steal my conscious existence. I regret that I can't experience love and suffering anymore; sometimes those were synonymous--and the most fruitful of all experiences. Writing this, I regret for myself because the living will be able to keep living some more. So it is, so it should be. But where my pursuit of knowledge and self-transcendence ended, I know it will be picked up by countless others. Pain and pleasure don't cease with me. I regret not seeing my family ever again, and it pains my heart to now imagine being dust instead of being flesh and blood, because dust cannot embrace, laugh, question, wonder, feel. In people's memories perhaps the fullness of who I was will be rippled, and then, like all things terrestrial, fade away. So it is, so it should be.
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